It must suck to work in a glitter factory. Because you’d have to tell people, “Hey. I work at a glitter factory.”

You’d always have some stray piece of glitter on you. People would be like, “Dude, you’ve got something on your face. Is that glitter? Dude.”

“That? That’s not glitter, that’s...sand. A lone grain of shiny blue sand.”

You try to wipe it off. Now you have a piece of glitter on your hand. You only succeed in moving it from surface to surface. You ever just find a random piece of glitter on yourself? It’s like “What the hell? Where did that come from?” Then you back track and try and figure out when you managed to pick up the mysterious fleck. I found a piece of glitter on me the other day that I can only assume has been there since the second grade.

I bet it’s always a party inside a glitter factory.

What if a glitter factory blew up ? It would be beautiful...but terrible at the same time. People wouldn’t know if it was a disaster or a party. That shit would be worse than an oil spill to clean up, though. You’d have Greenpeace volunteers trying to clean glitter off birds. People would be like, “Hey, look at that gay bird.”

You know what confetti is? Big glitter.

I hate it when girls where that glitter lotion. I want to say, “Wow. You look like Christmas. A really slutty Christmas.”

I really hate bumper stickers, and I need a way to express that. So I think I’m going get a bumper sticker that says, “I hate bumper stickers.” Then everyone will know how passionate I am about hating bumper stickers.

I was eating out the other day when I noticed the couple next to me hold hands and pray before beginning their meal. I got to thinking, when did this fairly common practice begin? What is it about sitting down to eat that makes it a good time to have a brief little convo with the man upstairs? Most of the time, I think, people are just giving thanks, "Thanks God for this food...this food is a blessing, blah blah blah," right? If you believe in God then you can reasonably argue that he bestows many blessings, so why food. I'm going to go ahead and forego any real research and guess that this practice must have started because at some point, food was a really big deal and if you were eating, you better praise Jesus, 'cause who knew the next time you were gonna get it.

The practice of praying before a meal is antiquated, and is now done pretty much out of tradition; that's fine, but I can think of a better time to say a blessing based on the idea that your thanking God for something that you rarely enjoy. Sex.

Speak for yourself, you say. Well, I am speaking for myself, so suck it. I think the next time I am about to have sex, I'll take the time to stop and thank the lord for his blessing. Of course it will probably be something like, "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thanks you, Jesus," as I clumsily hop to the bed kicking of my shoes and pants. And if I do things right, God will get a shout out during the sex too.

Wikipedia defines sciatica as set of symptoms including pain that may be caused by general compression and/or irritation of one of five nerve roots that give rise to the sciatic nerve, or by compression or irritation of the sciatic nerve itself. I define it is a pain in my ass. Quite literally, as the pain is felt in the lower back, buttock and various parts of the leg and foot.

I’m an active person, or, at least, I was and wish I still was. Unfortunately the mere act of sitting is currently the bane of my existence. To put it in terms you may be able to understand, imagine a great big wallet in your back pocket, only this wallet has a rock in it...a rock holding a knife and it’s pointed straight at your ass cheek. The fact that I like to run, cycle, play soccer and generally not let age get the best of body only aggravates this devil of a condition. I’ve tried everything. I’ve even gone to a witch doctor..ahem..a chiropractor. I’m pretty sure that just made it worse.

My sciatica is compounded by my SI joint dysfunction. I’m not going to get into what that means. Just know that it basically means my back, groin, and hip hurt. This too, is also worst when sitting. Guess what I do all day?

Currently, it’s all pretty bad, which is why the little bitch of a condition is getting a whole blog post dedicated to it. Fuck you sciatic nerve and SI joint dysfunction. Fuck you.

On a tv commercial for the amazing Shamwow!: "Beware of Shamwow imitators"

DAN: "Beware the Shamwoah!"

(As a side note, I have to say I am seriously tempted to try this thing out. I'm gonna purposely start spilling shit on my carpet.)